


Jacaranda Trees ( Rewrite)

by ObNOXious



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexual Zoe Murphy, Canon DEH stuff, Cussing, Do-Over, Dragons, Evan wears glasses, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lesbian Alana Beck, M/M, NO ONE KNOWS, Panic Attacks, References To Another Fic, References to other musicals, References to the Novel, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural Elements, Tags May Change, Time Travel, except for one character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-10-02 13:46:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17265275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObNOXious/pseuds/ObNOXious
Summary: Rewrite of Jacaranda trees.After that fateful day in early June Evan Hansen found a friend. For once he doesn't feel alone of unnoticed but no one can know about them. Evan doesn't want to think about what could happen if some one finds out.Jac is on a mission. After losing everything and almost everyone he knows Jac was not in a good place. He thought he was getting better until he sees something at Elision. Given a chance to prevent it from happening. He gladly takes it.Connor Murphy was about to kill himself. After stealing one of Evan Hansen's letters the aftermath for once in years gives him hope for the future





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the rewrite of Jacaranda trees! Thank you to everyone who left kudos on the old version! I hope you guys like this version better! If you haven't read the old version I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> TW: sucideal thoughts, soucide attemt ( let my know if there's anything else  
> Before the story starts here's what actor they look and and sound like cause why not
> 
> Evan- Ben Levi Ross  
> Connor- mike Faist  
> Zoe- Mallory Bechtel  
> Jared- will Roland  
> Cynthia- Jennifer Laura Thompson  
> Heidi- Rachel bay Jones  
> Larry- Michael park

I looked at the tree at the edge of the green field. It was much taller than the many surrounding trees. Ever since the day I found the tree I’ve felt drawn towards it. Before today I never knew why but now I do. I wiped the tears that fell out of my eyes. I’m sick of being alone and being invisible to everyone in the world. I took a step out into the sun. _No one cares about me._ A wave of deja vu hit me. I shoved it aside. I started walking towards that tall tree moving faster with every step I take. _No one will notice if you disappear_ .  Before I knew it I was by the tall tree. I looked up at the branches. After tossing my backpack aside I gripped a low branch and started climbing the tree. _You should help this world by leaving it._ I only stopped once I found the strongest branch about 20 feet up. I stood on top of the branch feeling the heat of the sun on my face. I felt like the sky goes on for forever. Another wave of deja vu hit me, I ignored it. The tree was tall enough that I could see even the area around the park. It was beautiful. I didn’t take long to admire the view. I leaned backwards off the branch my hands gripping on to the branch above me. I pushed off of the branch I was holding on to and let go.

I was now plummeting towards the ground. Long before I let go I knew the outcome of the fall would ether change my life or end it. _Evan what the fuck did you just do?_ When I first climbed that tree I wanted to die, but now I want to live. I made a terrible mistake and it’s too late to fix it. I closed my eyes hoping the fall would just end. 

I hit the ground with a thud. My arm burned then went numb. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I started panicking which didn’t help me. _I’m going to die, i’m going to die._ I tried to control my breath. _In and out, in and out._ After trying a few more times I was able to breathe again. The light seemed too bright and every time I closed my eyes to blink the effort to open them up increased. Eventually I stopped trying to open my eyes letting the darkness take me.   
  
I opened my eyes to the blurry branches of the forest.  I don’t know how much time had passed. All I know is no one had helped me. It wasn’t a surprise as no one cared about me. I mean this is exactly  why I let go of that tree. I’m noting to the world. I felt sick, everything hurts and I have one of the worse headaches I’ve ever had. The good thing is I was able to move everything besides my left arm. Which was bent at a weird angle.  When I do move it burns and causes a wave of nausea. Then I realized my glasses were gone. _Good job Evan, you have to explain your arm and glasses. Glasses are expensive and she has to deal with therapy and pills already._ The thought of having to explain this made me  wish the fall killed. _Can’t you just make up your fucking mind. Either you want to live or die how hard is it._

I started to cry again. Yet again in that time no one came to help me. I gave up on the idea that someone would help me and started to get up.  Which was easier said than done as my back hurt with every small movement. Though in that time I found where my glasses were. They survived the fall with little damage. That’s the only good thing about this situation. It means this would make me less of burden to my mom.

  
Once I was able to sit up without that much pain I felt something fall on my leg. I looked down and was met with a snake.   
  
It was mainly blue. The area below its jaw and it’s belly up to its tail was black. The scales on top of his head were a somewhat translucent white. Like the black markings the markings ended at the tip of its tail.

  
As I looked at the snake I noticed there was something not right about its appearance. There were two long white scales hanging off it’s head, too solid and strong to be scales and there were two strange shapes on its body. I reached for the shapes and the snake pulled away a little. It then looked at me with it’s two intelligent green eyes. The shapes moved and opened. They were two small wings. The snake wasn’t a snake, it was a dragon.   


Instead of freaking out about the existence of the dragon I slowly reached towards it with my right arm. The dragon gave my hand a nose bump the feeling of it’s scaly snout felt oddly comforting. It looked at me and gave me what looked like a reassuring smile. A smile that said _everything’s going to be okay_ . I let out a weak laugh. For once I didn’t feel alone.  The semi sweet moment ended when I accidentally moved my left arm .The burn and the nausea returned. The dragon looked at me and looked towards the field I came through as if to tell me you need to get out of here. I got the message. It took awhile for me to get up all the way. I could tell this concerned the dragon. I walked to my backpack and let the dragon climb on top of it before walking back the way I came.   
  
By the time we got to the ranger station I had thrown up once, fell four times and nearly fell countless times. Most of it due to my legs. Before walking into the building I opened the bag for the dragon to climb in. I couldn’t just walk in with a dragon on my backpack. I took a few moments collect myself and  to come up with a lie as to how I got hurt. I evantly came up with, I was climbing a tree a branch broke and I fell. After taking a deep breath I opened the door and walked to ranger Gus’ office. He was in the middle of filling out paperwork. He never heard me walk in, of course he didn’t no one does.

 

I let out an awkward um. _Wow you can’t even say hi or hello like a normal person. No wonder why you let go of that tree._   
  
He looked up at me.   
  
“ hey Evan.” He sounded very annoyed

 

Of course he was annoyed. Every time someone sees me they think “oh hey it’s that seventeen year old who can’t talk to people properly” or are just annoyed. The only exception is my mom, but who knows maybe she feels the same about me but is just good at hiding it.  

 

“ I wa-was climbing this tree and I le-a branch br-broke and I, fell.” _Good job Evan you can’t even lie without messing up_   

 

“ Are you ok? Do you need to go to the hospital or anything?”

 

Before I could answer Ranger Gus saw my left arm.

 

“ You are going to the hospital. You need to have that arm checked out.” Ranger Gus said grabbing his keys,

 

I nodded and followed him. When I got into the car he took out my phone. With my good arm I opened my phone and started texting my mom

 

**Evan:** Hey mom I was climbing a tree and I let go of it. I just have a broken arm. But don’t worry I’m ok.  I’m on the way to the hospital right now see you then.

 

Before I hit send I realized if I told my mom i purposely let go of the tree it would break her. In this case it would be better to lie.  

 

**Evan:** Hey mom I was climbing a tree and the branch broke. I’m ok just a broken arm and probably a few bruises. I’m with Ranger Gus and on the way to the hospital.

  


Definitely better than the first text. I hit send and closed my phone the light was hurting my head.

  


The rest of the car ride was a blur to me. after sending the text it left me nearly alone with my thoughts, as ranger guy drove silently. I still can’t believe I tried to killed myself. Though I know this would happen at one point. Ever since the beginning Sophomore year I’ve had thoughts of offing myself but back then I could always push them aside. Today I couldn’t. I don’t know why.

 

Ranger Gus tapped me on my shoulder. “ Hey kid were here.”

 

I nodded and followed him into the doors of the hospital.

 

When I came back out of the door of the hospital two hours later I had a white cast on my left arm and a minor concussion. My back and legs were also badly bruised. The doctors said I was lucky to alive. I wouldn’t call it lucky. I now have to live with the fact I tried to kill myself and the fact I was still alive. I had to take the bus as I don’t drive and my mom wasn’t able to get off of work . When I found out I barely stopped myself from crying right then and there. I just want her to be there just for once. I just tried to kill myself and I needed someone there more than ever. I then remembered the dragon. The dragon was there for me. Even if it can’t understand what is happening at least it was there for me. At least it was something.

 

 


	2. Note

Sorry for the lack of updates. School has been crazy, but a new chapter will be out soon!


	3. The first day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan goes back to school  
> TW: Anxious thoughts,panic attack, suicidal thoughts? (if there's anything else let me know)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have a new chapter up! If there's any mistakes let me know, and If anyone wants to beta for this story let me know!

I was under the tree again. It’s branches blocking the sunlight. My arm numb. I just layed there  
Anytime now someone will find me any time now… i desperately thought my hope fading every single time it gets repeated  
No one came.  
Any time now  
No one  
I sat slowly up no one. I was truly alone. 

No one cares about me. I’m such a failure. A fucking failure. I can’t end my miserable life without failing-

I opened my eyes with a gasp. That was one of the most realistic dreams I have ever had in my life. Every little detail was the same as that day. I’ve been having dreams like this for a while they were mostly replays of the day when I let go, no fell, from the tree. They were exact repeats besides this one. I was confused, Where was he? Why did it feel so real?  
I looked at the dragon. He was curled up in the space between my arm and my side like a scaly cat. He was sleeping soundly. At least he was sleeping. I ended up naming the dragon Jacaranda, though I call him Jac for short . This name comes from back when I was looking at names for him and I was looking through a book about trees. There was a picture of some jacaranda trees and he seemed drawn to the picture. So I named him Jac.  
He is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. He makes sure I take my meds, he helps me when I have panic attacks, he reminds me to write my letters (even though I don’t think they help, but anything to escape disappointing Dr. Sherman), and he’s just there which is enough for me. A beep from my phone echoed across my room. My alarm was going off. Why did I set my alarm again?  
I have separate ringtones for every alarm. I couldn’t remember what this tone was for. Then it hit me, it was my school alarm. Today was the first day of school. My mind went to it’s usual mess. What if a teacher calls on me and I mess up, what if I say here too loud, what if I have a panic attack in the middle of class and everybody starts laughing at me for being the seventeen year old who has a panic attack in the middle of class.  
I heard a half awake purr beside me, Jac was awake. He looked at me and yawned showing his sharp teeth. He stretched his wings. He looked at my laptop on my nightstand. I knew what that meant, I had to start writing my letter. I grabbed my laptop and opened a new document. Jac turned away knowing I don’t like it when he looks over my shoulder when i’m writing. I started to type 

Dear Evan Hansen,  
Today’s going to be an amazing day here’s why

Amazing day, that would be too hard to write about. Good would be easier to write about.

Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why,  
because today 

I couldn’t finish writing it. It wasn’t going to be a good day I just know. Every time I tried to think about something good my brain would do the opposite. I let out a frustrated sigh, I would try later. Jac looked at me his green eyes looking like he was staring into my soul. i should be creeped out but I’m not. 

“ I’ll work on it later ok, I promise.” 

Jac nodded 

The floor creaked. Jac perked his ears before going under blankets on my bed. My mom walked in. My mom doesn’t know about him.I wish she did but it’s for Jac’s safety. 

“ Good morning sweetie”

“ Good morning” I tired to keep the frustration and anxiety out of my voice. I’m not sure if I did a good job

“ have you stared you letter dear Evan Hansen today’s going to be an amazing day here’s why.”

“ I started one.”

“ That’s good honey. It will help boost your confidence!” No it won’t

“Sure.” 

“ I noticed you didn’t get dinner.” She held a 20 dollar bill in her hand “ I thought you were doing better about that.” 

I was doing better. With help of online ordering I skipped talking on the phone. With encouragement from Jac I was able to make change. I was about to get something to eat but I remembered today was the first day of school. That killed my appetite and I knew If i got something to eat I would’ve thrown it up. So instead I binged the office to push my anxious thoughts away. It worked a little.

“ I was having a bad night.” at least I was telling her the truth even if it was vague.

She mouthed oh. “ I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Sherman today.”

“ I thought it wasn’t until next week.”

“I know but I thought it would be better if it was today.”

“ ok.” I don’t need an appointment today. Not today. 

“ Hey! I know, you can go around and have people sign you cast? How about that?”

“ perfect.” Why should anyone want to sign my cast?

She handed me a marker. 

My mom looked at her phone “ I got to go, I can’t be late. I love you.” 

“ Love you too.” 

When she left both Jac and I got out of bed. I took a shower because I know I smell and if I go to school like this people would avoid me because of it. When I was done I put on one of my trademark polos, a blue one with stripes, and khakis. I then forced myself to eat a piece of toast even though I wasn’t hungry. I made my hair look somewhat decent which was easier said than done as my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. After packing my lunch almost forgetting my glasses, somehow. I was ready. 

Before I closed the door I yelled up to Jac that I was leaving 

I closed and locked the door and stepped out into the world.

 

I have a job to do. There was a reason why I there exactly at the time Evan tried to kill himself at Ellison. I have to keep Evan Hansen alive. The way to do that was to be there when he let go. I couldn’t stop him from letting go, nothing could but after that day I could change everything for him hopefully for the better. Evan doesn’t have a clue about who I really am. There are many other things he doesn’t know about me. Like I’m not a hatching, i’m actually fifteenth, and normally I'm about the size of a huge dog. With arms and legs. I miss those fuckers with a passion but something went wrong and I had no choice but to accept it. Like Evan I was dreading this day. Not because I was going back to school, for once, but because what happens today can cause Evan’s life to become better or go completely to shit. I saw what the result if today went bad first hand. Just thinking about made me nauseous. I can’t tell him what would happen if he fucked up today. I want to though . One day I will be able to, but now is not the time. At least I did everything I could in my power to prevent it. But one dragon’s action, especially one who can’t talk, can’t fix everything. 

Evan called up the stairs

“Jac I’m leaving!”

The door closed and locked. I was alone. I jumped up to Evan’s desk that was by the window. Evan was starting his walk to school. He was clearly anxious. He was always anxious but he was more anxious than normal. The more he walked he started looking around him waiting for the worst. I turned away. I could see so much of myself in Evan sometimes and it was painful. But I had to be there for him. There are things I can’t have happen to him. When I finally looked out the window again Evan was out of sight. It was all up to fate now.

 

I have to walk to school. My school is one of those schools where unless you choice in you have to live super close to it. SInce I don’t drive, I can’t drive to school. Even if I drive I can’t, since to park at school we need a parking permit, something we can’t afford. Sometimes Jared drives me to school but only when it’s snowing or super cold. But on the plus side it doesn’t take long to get to school. As I walked down the street past houses more and more of my peers joined me. With them came the feeling of being watched. This was when I reached for my off brand phone in my pocket, plugged my ear buds in and put music on. I turned up the volume hoping the music numb the world around me and the feeling of being watched. It didn’t. I started walking faster and I only stopped when I reached a field by a park. I looked out into the feld and the sprinklers were on but not on the path I used. Everyone else was using the sidewalk that went by the playground. I started walking through the feld. I only sighed when my shoes got wet from a deep puddle hidden in the grass. I have done this for officially four years now so it was nothing. After stepping in puddles two more times, I made it to the opening in the fence.  
I let a group of girls walk through the gap before I did. When I made it through I walked into the parking lot. Sure being in the middle of a parking lot full of teenage drivers is scary but it was quicker and less thistle filled than walking on the sides of the lot. And if a car hit and killed me I would be perfectly fine with it. When I finally got to the entrance of school I was already done with this place. I took a shaky breath as I opened the doors. I walked past groups of friends seeing each other probably for the first time in months. I just looked down and carried on. I found out freshman year ignoring them helps the pain of not having friends like that. I let out a startled yelp as I ran into someone. I was looked up and was met with a girl in a black Wicked hoodie. My heart started to beat faster.

“ I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” She was clearly freaking out too. 

“ I’m sorry.” I squeaked before I ran away.

I stopped running when I reached my locker. I struggled to open it with only one arm. I took a bag out of my backpack and into my locker. I don’t use my locker to store my backpack as It’s out of the way of most of my classes. I just use it to store my coat during the winter and extra pencils and supplies. I turned around and was met with my friend Jared Kleinman. Well the closest thing to a friend. 

“ Hi Jared.”

“Hi Evan.”

Jared paused a few seconds to look at my arm. He started to grin 

“ How’d you break your arm? Let me guess you broke it jacking off to Zoe Murphy?”

“ W-what?! No, Jared, I d-did not!” I whisper yelled my face getting redder by the second

In the beginning of junior and sophomore year I did have a crush on her. But at the end of last year the more I realised I didn’t like her in that way. 

“How did you break it then?”

“You know how I got that job at Ellison?” 

Jared started to laugh “ How could I ever forget!”

A few people were now staring at us. Their glances digging into my skin.

“ Well I saw this cool tree, about 40 feet tall and I climbed it. A branch broke and I fell.” I rushed through the story not wanting to say more

“ Like an acorn?”

I looked down at the ground “ yeah.”

“ Are you sure you weren't jacking off to Zoe Murphy?” 

“ I wasn’t jacking off to her, Jared!” More people were staring at us. 

“ Whatever you say, acorn.” 

I took the sharpie out of my pocket “ Do you want to sign my cast?”

“ Phht. Why would I do that?” 

“Uh because we’re friends.”

“ We’re not friends. We're family friends. Which is completely different. Anyways if your mom or my parents asks if I hung out with you during the summer say yes and we had a great time hanging out. Anything so my parents can pay my car insurance. ”

Jared’s words stung and reminded me of why I let go. I closed my eyes to hold back the tears forming in my eyes. When I was sure I wouldn’t start crying I opened my eyes.

“ Sure.” 

“ Thanks Acorn.” Jared started laughing again. 

That’s when the tall and lanky figure of Connor Murphy walked by. He was wearing his usual outfit, a gray shirt with a worn black jacket over it, torn black jeans and his black combat boots. A worn out messenger bag hung from his shoulder. He was as pale as if he never went outside during the summer. He was almost the same as he was before summer. The only thing that was different was his hair. Last time I saw him his brown hair was at his chin now it was at his shoulders. 

Jared looked at him and grinned like he did earlier. I looked down knowing what was going to happen next.

“ Hey, Connor like the new hair length, very school shooter chic!”

I winced. Jared and group close to us started laughing. Connor turned towards them anger burning in his eyes

“ It was just a joke.” Jared’s smile faded

“Yeah, it was funny. I’m laughing can’t you tell?” Connor's fist were now clenched, ‘ Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

“You’re a freak.” Jared laughed as he walked away.

I let a nervous laugh escape, glad that Jared wasn’t there any more. Connor tuned towards me. 

“ What are you laughing at?” Connor growled 

“What?” I squeaked 

“Stop fucking laughing at me.”

“I’m not”

“ You think I’m a freak.”

“No I don’t-” 

“I’m not the freak-”

“But I wasn’t-”

“You’re the fucking freak!” Connor shouted 

Connor is right, he isn’t the freak. I’m the freak. I mean what type of person has a dragon as his only friend. What type of person breaks their arm from falling out of a tree.  
He looked at me his blue eyes filled with even more rage. All I could do was stand there as Connor shoved me. I hit the ground hard on my broken arm. Tears filled my eyes as Connor ran away. I held my bad arm to my chest. With every heartbeat a new wave of pain hit my arm. I saw everyone running towards their classes so I wiped the tears from my eyes took a few deep breaths, straitened my glasses and ran to my first hour class. 

At the final hour of school I was finally ready to get my letter done. I was one of the lucky people who had that hour off and I would have gone home early but today I was in the computer lab competing the letter. 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today’s going to be a good day here’s why 

I sighed, screw this it wasn’t a good day. There was the Connor incident, in English class we had to speak to the class about yourself. That lead to me having a bad panic attack and throwing up the little food I ate today and I had another panic attack in earth science after the teacher called on me. Not even close to a good day.

Today’s not going to be a good day. At this rate there will never be a good day, let alone amazing day. Almost no one noticed that I was there. Connor noticed me but I ruined it. Like I always do. I can already tell this year is going to be another year of me being on the outside looking in. It’s like I’m waving through a window 5 stories away from everyone else. No will notice or care or even know I was there waving, they never will. I makes me wonder, if the fall killed me would anyone know I was gone? Or would I just disappear without a trace of being here?  
Sincerely your best and only friend,  
Me

I let out a sigh and hit print. 

“ So how’d you break your arm.” I jumped, it was Connor.

He was standing in the doorway his arms crossed. 

“ I fell from a tree.” My face turned red. 

“ That’s one of the saddest fucking things I’ve ever heard.” Connor said 

“ I know.” I looked down in embarrassment

I didn’t know Connor was next to me until he asked “ Can I sign it?”

“ huh?” wait did I hear him right? 

“ Your cast. Can I sign it?”

“Sure if you want to.”

“Do you have a sharpie.”

I nodded and handed him my black sharpie. Connor took my arm forcefully causing me to wince. All I could hear was the scratching of marker on my cast. When he was done I looked down on my cast to see CONNOR in big letters. It took up the entire thing. Once Jared sees this he will never let me live it down. 

“ Uh.. Thanks?” I gave him a small smile. At least it was something. 

“ No problem.“ Connor paused for a moment “ I’m sorry for earlier.”

“It’s okay.” 

Connor then walked to the printer and grabbed a piece of paper from it. 

“ Dear Evan Hansen. This is yours, right?

I could feel the color drain from my face. Connor was reading my letter. 

As he read through the letter his face twisted into anger.

“ Why is my name in your fucking letter?” Connor growled

“ it’s for-“

“ What is your fucking problem Hansen!” Connor yelled

“ I’m sorry.”

“ Fuck you freak!” Connor ran out the lab, my letter in hand.

 

I tried to catch up to him but he was too fast. All I could do was watch as Connor and my letter became farther away. At that point I decided that I was not going to therapy. Therapy was not important to me at the moment, Connor has my letter and he could do serious damage with it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hoped you enjoyed it so far! 
> 
> -Nox


End file.
